I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish my penis had a tongue
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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