You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
