how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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