The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
