i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
