Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize