I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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