Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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