I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
