Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
