fuck your aforementioned shoe
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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