During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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