The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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