She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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