I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
