Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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