I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
