dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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