She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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