Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
