Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
