2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
