I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
