Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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