So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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