God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
