so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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