he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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