I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
