Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
