you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
