How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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