I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize