Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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