i wish my penis had a tongue
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We need to get me chipped asap
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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