you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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