seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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