Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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