I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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