Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
