Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
