Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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