my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
