i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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