Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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