South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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