I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
