I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
