glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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