Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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