May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
