This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
