Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
