I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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