you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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