Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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