I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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