Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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