the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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